Going to the dogs

The mighty Hardy Perennials

Haven’t got a clue what I’m going on about? Let me explain. If you’re sat in front of the box at around 6pm, these are opening words you’d hear spoken by Dermot Murnaghan, a man oft described as the housewives’ crumpet and the host of BBC2s long-running quiz show, Eggheads.

Each week, or is it every day? Or possibly every hour? A team of five challengers with some kind of loose connection take on the Eggheads, a team of individuals that have won just about every quiz going, from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire to the Weakest Link. On past shows there have been teams of challengers forged from The British Beard Club, from pubs and from just about every work place you could think of, but last week, a team of five gardening/horticultural writers, The Hardy Perennials, decided to pit their combined wits against the Eggheads.

Who was in that team? Well, little old me, Kris ‘don’t call me Chris’ Collins from Amateur Gardening, Matthew ‘got any news?’ Appleby and Gavin ‘I’m a former Mastermind contestant don’t you know’ McEwan from Horticulture Week, along with Jack Shamash, a freelance journalist at Hort Week. Bizarrely, another team featuring some gardening types were in the studio a few days before us – among their ranks were James ‘I’ll have a P please Bob. Oh bugger I’m on the wrong show’ Alexander Sinclair and Chris ‘don’t call me Kris’ Collins.

Facing us, and the only barrier to a big pot of cash, were the Eggheads. A team of five (picked from a possible seven) quiz overlords. On our show, which probably won’t broadcast for a year, were Barry, Kevin, Judith, Chris and Pat. Sadly my favourites weren’t on their panel – Daphne and CJ de Mooi, the most handsome man in quiz land.

Anyway, rather than ramble, here’s my Eggheads diary.

4.01am – Woke up half an hour before I needed to, but decided to get up anyway. Made a cup of tea, got dressed and watched an episode of Eggheads on the iPlayer.

4.50am – Phone rings. Taxi driver tells me he’s outside. Why couldn’t he just tap on my door softly or toot his horn. Pah! Taxi drivers these days. They’re not like they used to be.

5.45am – Arrive at Heathrow Airport in need of coffee. Bump into fellow team mate Gavin. Make way to gate where I find Matthew Appleby wearing a crumpled shirt and trousers (or is he still in his jim-jams?) – apparently he was still in bed when his taxi arrived, so had no time to iron his clothes.

6.55am – Flight to Glasgow. Read 1974 in Nick Kent’s Apathy For The Devil – this book is highly recommended. Notice Matthew Appleby and Gavin are napping. This must be a tactic to conserve energy for the fight head, so decide to join them in the land of Morpheus.

Kris sneaks off for a ciggie with new best mate Johnny Vegas

9.30am – Briefing at the BBC. We learn which Eggheads we are taking on. I’m disappointed that CJ or the mighty Daphne are not part of their team. However, I do spot Daphne on some stairs at the BBC and wave to her. A bizarre spread of breakfast type foods have been laid on for us in the green room – one croissant, one banana, a handful of cereal bars and two apples.

We arrive at the BBC in Glasgow

Who wants the croissant?

9.45am – We were all asked to bring a selection of clothes. Costume lady suggests I wear a red long sleeved T-shirt. Matthew Appleby has to borrow somebody else’s shirt.

10am – Into Makeup.

10.30am – Back in the green room. Researcher runs through some dummy questions. Before this I’d fancied the music round, but most questions are about opera and classical, not b-sides of Who singles. The team decide that I must still tackle the music round if it comes up.

11.15am – We take our place in the studio. The Eggheads enter and introduce themselves, followed by the show’s host Dermot Murnaghan. Matthew Appleby wonders why Dermot sits on a cushion.

Cue music. Dermot’s intro spiel. He then introduces us.

The first round is TV and Film, Kris Collins’ pet subject. He decides to take on Egghead Chris. And beats him. Next round is…Music. Aargh. I choose to go head to head with Judith. In a hotly fought contest I emerge victorious. Sadly Matthew and Jack fail in their challenge, which left just three of us in the final. I’m not going to spoil the ending, you’ll just have to wait until it’s aired.

12.30pm – filming is finished. Our flight back is not until 7.30pm. To kill time we visit Glasgow Botanic Gardens, Willow tea rooms, Glasgow School of Art (the degree students art show was on – there were some interesting items made from dead flies) and several local hostelries.

Kris Collins bumps into new Doctor Who, Matt Smith

Gavin in the Willow Tea Rooms

11pm – arrive back home to Walthamstow. Collapse, go to sleep.