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Alternative gardening awards – the poll is now closed.

On Thursday 3 December, the great and the good, along with some that aren’t so good, of the gardening world will gather in London for The Garden Media Guild (GMG) Awards 2009. Around 500 guests will enjoy a slap up meal at The Brewery in the heart of The City and then keep their fingers crossed that they might pick up one of the coveted gongs that are available in 21 categories, including Magazine of the Year, Practical Book of the Year, Journalist of the Year and TV Broadcast of the Year.

While I’m a paid up member of the GMG and even sit on its committee, I’ve been thinking for some time that the award categories are, well, a little too conventional. So following the lead set by the NME magazine, when it launched its BRAT awards as a more left field alternative to the BRIT awards, I’d now like to take the wraps off my alternative to the GMG Awards – laydeez and gentlemen…please welcome the The OMG!* Awards 2009.

There’s no place for best book, best magazine or best radio show here, but fellow bloggers and blog readers do get the chance to vote in 10 extremely important categories, such as Best Dressed Gardener, Most Snoggable Male and Mouth Almighty of the Year, in an online contest that has pinched all of its ideas from the legendary Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.

So, if you think Matthew Appleby should pick up Party Mentalist of the Year for attending more press events than anyone else, that Arabella Sock’s silver tabby kitten should claw the prize for Hot New Talent or that James Alexander-Sinclair should win Best Dressed Male for hat wearing beyond the call of duty, then here’s your chance to vote.

Either post your votes below or download the awards entry sheet by clicking HERE (or click on the pic of the champagne bottle) and email it back to me. I’ll post a full list of winners in a glittering awards ceremony (actually, it’ll be inbetween buffing my shoes and filing my nails as I get ready for the GMG awards) on the morning of the 3 December. Remember, your votes really do count, so enter now!

OMG! Awards 2009 – The categories
Most snoggable male
Most fanciable female
Hottest couple
Best dressed gardener
Worst dressed gardener
Hot new talent
Top of the mop award (best haircut)
Funniest person in gardening
Party mentalist of the year
Mouth almighty of the year

*OMG! = Oh my God! in text messaging parlance.

113 comments to Alternative gardening awards – the poll is now closed.

  • Honeybee Fandango

    Andy thank you. Of course, of course Martyn is Gareth Gates. It is so damn obvious.
    On that subject (sort of) did you know that there are people out there earning a living of sorts as lookalikes for Charlie Dimmock (, Gloria EStefan (, Lorraine Chase (who has not aged as well as I hoped,Susan Boyle (why? and even Gary Glitter ( – though I should think the bottom has fallen out of the Glitter market recently.
    There is not, to my knowledge, an Alan Titchmarsh lookalike (although there are lots and lots of duplicate Kylie Minogues).
    I vote for
    Ken Crowther for Best Beard.

    • Actually I’m usually compared to footballers. Someone recently suggested I looked like a plump Frank Lampard and while paying for a Travelcard recently at Walthamstow Central tube station, I noticed the man serving me was staring. ‘What’s wrong’, I asked. ‘You’re not David Beckham are you’, he replied. Presumably while not broadcasting on Radio Essex, Ken Crowther earns a living as an Abraham Lincoln impersonator?

  • Most snoggable male: Giles Coode-Adams, Fred Foot (Bulldog Tools)
    Most fanciable female: Christine Walkden (She’s lovely)
    Hottest couple: Matthew Appleby & Himself
    Best dressed gardener: Helen Yemm (Dig those checked trousers)
    Worst dressed gardener: Alan Titchmarsh (Those rugby shirts are so rugged?)
    Hot new talent: Anyone but Alys Fowler
    Top of the mop award (best haircut): Matthew Wilson (It’s all natural you know?)
    Funniest person in gardening: Pippa Greenwood
    Party mentalist of the year: Gordon Brown (Labour has got to be the mentalist party ever?)
    Mouth almighty of the year: Matthew Appleby

  • VP, we could have a flash party or a blog crawl (like a pub crawl only for every comment you post on a blog you award yourself another drink and then move on to the next).

  • Ben’s spot on… Mellors = most snoggable.
    (No slight intended, Ben, having never met. New & hot?)

  • My word, what fun.

    Most snoggable male – Martyn’s quite cute *shows bicurious side/currys extravagant favour with main judge*

    Most snoggable female – I have to say GG1 as she said me (yes I am that shallow)

    Hottest couple – ‘Wotcha mean, Charlie Dimmocks not real gardnin?’*comes over all Sid James* ok, JAS and Sabrina Duncan International, as per Malvern spring this year

    Best dressed gardener – JAS for his ability to carry off seemingly awful as well as marvellous clothes

    Worst dressed gardener – Sorry, Bob F

    Hot new talent – JAS (what d’ya mean, hes been around a while?)

    Top of the mop award – Im interested to see whether Martyns point will go acorn on us next year, so he gets my vote

    Funniest person in gardening – JAS

    Party mentalist – Im too new on the block to tell, but I’d put £5 on Jas 25 years ago, £5 on Lia 10 years ago, and £5 on £5 on Cleve at GMA this year *tops up his mid morning malibu*

    Mouth almighty – (in a nice way) Joe Swift

    • You’ve brought up a good point, so I’ve checked the rule book to see what it says about currying favour with the judge. Sadly, there are no rules in the current regulations, but in consulting my papers I did find an ancient statute that deems it acceptable, as long as it is accompanied with a brace of pheasants.

  • Can i also add Garden Monkey in 2nd place of funniest and 2nd behind Joe S, in the event of a tie? Thank you committee

  • *hands over pheasants*
    I’d like to amend my vote a little if the almighty judge deems it permissable – can I add Lia L at joint no2 funniest person? I’ve realised she makes me laugh slightly more than Garden Monkey, but Garden Monkey does have the ability to make me wince more than other twitterists.

    And hottest couple….2nd place to Jane P and Emma T, resplendent in their red coats at Chelsea (although there was the occasional slightly unnervinging double ‘Dont Look Now’ moment)

  • Okay. This has now become a different sort of competition as I think it very important that this thread gets more than a hundred comments before the deadline.
    After extensive research I have found a clause in the rulebook that allows people to vote twice provided they do so when they really ought to be doing something more financially constructive..the only caveat being that all the answers must be different. (Except categories One & Ten which remain sacrosanct)
    1.Cleve (love the taste of his cherry chapstick)
    2.Dawn(not only for her beauty but also for her skill in locating Ericaceous topsoil)
    3.Mark Diacono and his Chilean Guavas (described by the Western Daily Press as “possibly the best Marimba band in the Honiton Area”)
    4.Arabella Sock (based on the new party clothes as modelled on her Blog)
    5.Anybody wearing a gilet
    6.MarkD – might be too late to be an enfant terrible but could perhaps manage the terrible bit.
    7.Why has nobody yet nominated Bob Flowerdew? Maybe because it uses the word Best in the Question.
    8.Mark D (not just because he voted for me although that has quite a lot to do with it)
    9.The Shows Department of the RHS (in particular Stephen Bennett and Bob Sweet)
    10. Anne wareham

  • OK as everyone else is doing it, I’m going to change my entry for Funniest Person in gardening. I had put Marc Rosenberg, largely based on the smutty double entendres he tells me in private. But as he deems himself too important to vote here, I cast him out in favour of James AS, who has brought much mirth to these awards, especially with his dubious pseudonyms.

  • You mean JAS uses pseudonyms? (hes not really bulchey is he?)

  • Oh well.. if you are going to start changing the rules I’ll add a few more to the snoggable list

    Most snoggable male – Bill the Vampire from True Blood. OK you don’t see him in the garden much but that is because he does it at night. Also JAS after reminding us (at a very opportunistic moment) that he fenced, thus propelling himself right back up the snoggability charts.

    Most snoggable female – Why does no-one ever want to snog Rachella? I think Lia looks rather snoggable.

    Hottest couple – Plant Mad Nige and the PG

    Best dressed gardener – The boy Beardshaw. It isn’t easy to look that good when you have to shop in the children’s section.

    Worst dressed gardener – Bob Flowerdew and that romper suit.

  • Most snoggable male: Mark Straver at Crocus (because he gets to go on the best business trips)

    Most fanciable female: Love Alys’s hair and glasses – does that count?

    Hottest couple: Bob Sweet and Stephen Bennett (the after hours tours are the hottest ticket at Chelsea)

    Best dressed gardener: Garden monkey (you just know that the monkey would be dapper)

    Worst dressed gardener: Alan Titchmarsh – those sweater ads; so 1970s knitting patterns, really.

    Hot new talent: Mark Gregory (watch out Matthew Wilson)

    Top of the mop award (best haircut): Joe Swift (bald heads have to be groomed too…)

    Funniest person in gardening: La Sock

    Party mentalist of the year: Peter Seabrook

    Mouth almighty of the year: Matthew Appleby

    Or did I get the last two the wrong way round?

  • Why has Fergus Garrett been ignored, he’s highly snoggable!
    Best dressed gardener, too.

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have been trying to buy you a GMG award to celebrate. They said it would be delivered Thursday.

  • I need to second Dan Pearson for most snoggable male. Best dressed: Robin Weder, Bumblebee blog, who always looks stunning, even when chasing chickens. Worst dressed: me. Too often I leave the house wearing shirts with bleach spots and pants with paint on them (and I don’t notice until I’ve been out a while). Hot new talent: Tara, Yolanda Elizabet’s puppy. Nobody does cute like her. Funniest person is actually 3 people: 3 Men Went to Mow. Their vids leave me in stitches. For party mentalist I’d like to nominate Elizabeth Licata of Garden Rant & Gardening While Intoxicated. Nobody does fundraisers like her. And finally, for Mouth Almighty, I nominate Shirley Bovshow, for her enthusiastic presentation on the Garden World Reports podcasts, and specifically for her bits on getting rid of Bloggers’ Butt.

    • Hi Mr McGregor’s Daughter, I think Robin at Bumblebee Blog should enter her two Papillon dogs, Sophie and Sarah, in the Hottest Couple category.

    • Dear Me!
      Thank you Mr. MCGregor’s Daughter for nominating me for “Mouth Almighty!” My husband will agree with you.
      For those of you who are not familiar with my garden television work in the USA, I invite you to watch my online “garden TV entertainment” show, “Garden World Report.”

      We have an international audience and would love to invite our esteemed gardening peers from across the pond to guest on the show.

      Marty, thanks for starting this conversation, although I am late to the event by one year!
      Shirley Bovshow

  • theBedSock

    Most snoggable male: Monty
    Most fanciable female: Alys
    Hottest couple: The socks (private info)
    Hot new talent: Titchmarsh
    Top of the mop award: Brian May
    Funniest person in gardening: Arabella (I have to say this – she’s standing behind me)
    Mouth almighty of the year: Anne Wareham

  • As a newbie commenter here, i’ve just got 2 votes for you, – Most Snoggable Male is Definitely Matthew Wilson, I met him way back when he started at the RHS and he’s stayed swoonable since then, – best dressed gardener is Sarah Raven, – love the skirt and boots, but can’t believe you can plant tulips without trousers on. (oops just burnt the parsnips while writing this, thank goodness for smoke alarms)

  • Most snoggable male: having never snogged any of them, I’m struggling to give you anything based on fact (not that that’s ever held me back). Tim Sandall is very ‘cuddleable’ if that’s a word.
    Most fanciable female: that has to be Hayley Monckton; yes, I am working on my Chelsea pass for next year.
    Hottest couple: OK, let’s start the rumours flying – Alys & Toby.
    Best dressed gardener: toss up between JAS & Cleve – and maybe they should.
    Worst dressed gardener: where do you start? I’ll put my hard-earned money on Uncle Bob – no, not that tall freak from Twin Peaks, the one from Norfolk.
    Hot new talent: Marco Diacono; Mark just doesn’t sound right, he should change his name by deed poll.
    Top of the mop award (best haircut): everyone mentioned so far is cheating – they all wear syrups; this category needs to be altered to facial hair and then Ken Crowther is the one and only true king.
    Funniest person in gardening: my vote goes to the person who has made me wet myself the most at the GMG awards lunch – so it goes to Swifty (because he thinks Arsenal is a good team and that always cracks me up); and it was me that booked him, so I have to give him the edge.
    Party mentalist of the year: based on the number he has been to, the vote goes to The Appleby – quantity not quality.
    Mouth almighty of the year: there can only be one winner – Mr Seabrook, but he gets the award every year and should, by rights, be given a Lifetime Achievement Award in this category.

  • I’ve been led here (and, I’m beginning to suspect, astray) by Arabella, so, after much deliberation, here are my votes:

    Most snoggable male – Cleve West; runner-up – Matthew Wilson
    Most fanciable female – Rachel de Thame
    Hottest couple – Stilton (ruler of the universe) and Silvi, from Wisteria and Cow Parsley – not strictly speaking a couple, but too gorgeous not to get any votes
    Best dressed gardener – James Alexander-Sinclair (with Sarah Raven in second place as I agree with Claire Potter about her eclectic look)
    Worst dressed gardener – Bob Flowerdew – and the naked gardeners at Abbey House
    Hot new talent – James Wong (with Spook the now-named kitten a close second)
    Top of the mop award (best haircut) – Laurence Llewelyn Bowen
    Funniest person in gardening – Arabella Sock
    Party mentalist of the year – I’m not sure whether she can be relied upon to collapse in a heap, but I’m going to say Carol Klein because I think she’d be the life and soul of a party
    Mouth almighty of the year – Anne Wareham

    • VP

      Judging by the way Carol Klein was knocking back the elderberry wine in Friday’s GW special (is it too late to get the best telly programme gong on Thursday BTW, I thought it was great), you have a point there.

  • I’m only going to vote once Martyn, and yes, this is keeping me from paid work!

    Most snoggable male: Depending on which day of the week(and in no particular order): Cleve West, Matthew Wilson, Fergus Garrett, Andy Sturgeon. On a rainy day, Wesley Shaw, Keeper of the Greenhouse at Kew would keep you warm and dry.
    Most fanciable female: Alice Bowe, fresh and beautiful young woman.
    Hottest couple: Hayley Monkton and Bob Sweet – may not be an item but always seen together like gangster and moll. A special shoe award should go to Hayley.
    Best dressed gardener:James Alexander Sinclair oozes innate style
    Worst dressed gardener: Matthew Wilson’s chav gardener’s jacket with zip. Bring back his Breton jumper.
    Hot new talent: Paul Hensey (did The Fenchurch Garden at Chelsea)
    Top of the mop award (best haircut): Adam Frost is the only designer that uses ‘product’
    Funniest person in gardening. Emma Townshend and Camilla Swift, the sum is greater than the parts.
    Party mentalist of the year: Any one who manages to last through to midnight after the Guild lunch.
    Mouth almighty of the year: Matthew Appleby

  • Okay, Martyn, as you suggest, I nominate Sophie and Sarah from my own blog for hottest couple. We are very inclusive here, yes?

    Most snoggable male goes to Tucker at Layanee’s Ledge and Gardens:

    I second Mr. McG’s Daugher’s nominations of Shirley for loudmouth and Eliz for party mentalist.

    As for funny, have you ever met Mr. McG’s Daughter? She’s a hoot.


  • Lia

    93 comments! I think this is a record. i would just like to state here and now that i do believe (correct me if i’m wrong) The Guardian retains 2nd and 3rd place on this, for ‘Wee’ (Jane Perrone, 87 comments) and ‘Poo’ (Lia Leendertz, 58 comments) respectively, but very well done for getting this far without mention of bodily emissions.
    By the way, is there an award for getting mentioned in the most categories? I seem to be doing quite well on this, if spreading myself rather thinly.

    • I’ve consulted my chief statistician and he has confirmed (shrugged his shoulders)and said this might be a record. I am absolutely astounded that the OMG! Gardening Awards 2009 is pushing 100 comments, especially as number ones or twos haven’t been mentioned, except in reference to you, I believe.

  • You gardeners are a little bit mad, I mean bonkers, I mean crazy. Oh poo and wee – that’s 95 and 2 of each (if you add mine to LL above). Can’t wait to see who wins!

  • 1. Mark Diacono – I can be persuaded to change this but never having met any of you it’s a case of better the devil you know.
    2. Rachel De Thame – Life would be so easy if I looked like that.
    3. Pete and Emma Cooper – Ahhhhhh.
    4. Lia Leendertz – becasue of the fiver and the fetching hat, I think she got it from JAS.
    5. Diarmuid Gavin – ‘Nuff said.
    6. Alys Fowler – Own show and everything!
    7. JAS – although he keeps it under said hat so not to dazzle us mere mortals.
    8. JAS – Again, but only because he’s well funny, innit.
    9. Abstain – I’m not privvy to the inner workings of garden parties but I bet JAS, MD and MC can put a few away before launching into Sweet Caroline.
    10. HFW – Is he a gardener or a chef? Presumably a chef but he doesn’t half want us to do some digging and sharing of the land, doesn’t he?!

    If I left you out, sorry, I never heard of you.
    If I put you in, don’t go getting all cocky and smug, you’re the only name I know.

  • Rob

    Most snoggable male – Martyn Cox.
    Most fanciable female – Martyn Cox on the weekend (also best cabaret act)
    Hottest couple – Alys and whichever girl she picks up after seeing the votes on here.
    Best dressed gardener – JA-S, just for the hat. It’s a nice hat.
    Worst dressed gardener – The Flowerdew. The pictures keep coming back to haunt us.
    Hot new talent – Gardengirl1
    Top of the mop award (best haircut) – Joe Swift
    Funniest person in gardening – Mark Diacono
    Party mentalist of the year – Ms B, the ‘B’ stands for Beware.
    Mouth almighty of the year – The Sock, in the nicest possible way.

  • Hmm. Probably don’t know enough about the world of celebrity gardening to participate fully, but I’ll nominate Lia for most fanciable female. She’d also win in the category of most effective twitter campaigner…

  • Damn,Damn,Damn,Damn
    I was loafing about waiting to be comment 100 but took my eye of the ball for a moment and Frugilegus snuck in on the blind side and pipped me to the post.
    I’ll have to wait until we get to two hundred now….

  • Most fanciable female – judywhite (see – Oh Boy!)
    Hottest couple – Toby Buckland and Lisa Davis (still)
    Best dressed gardener – Joy Larkcom (she’s supremely realistic)
    Worst dressed gardener – Alan Titchmarsh (way way too smart)
    Hot new talent – Does Phil Clayton qualify?
    Top of the mop award (best haircut) – Alys Fowler (ironic vote)
    Funniest person in gardening – Christopher Lloyd RIP
    Party mentalist of the year – Jean Vernon (went to see Sex Pistols night before last year’s GWG!)
    Mouth almighty of the year – Matt Appleby (he’s gonna run away with this one)

  • Just seen this and I’m wondering whether I should have voted for Happy Mouffetard and SomeBeans for hottest couple.

    I’m afraid don’t have any pheasants, only dodos, and they are certainly not for eating. Will you accept a dodo egg in return for an extra vote?

  • @ Juliet – not so much ‘hot’ as appallingly soppy – apologies if that caused anyone to reach for a bucket.
    I haven’t voted yet, I’m stuck on the first question. Anyone care to offer to help me decide? :-)

    • I’d be glad to help Happy Mouffetard. A vote for me as most snoggable at this late stage is hardly likely to change the result, but if you picked me for best haircut, I might, might, just bag that award. Hope that helps.

  • I’m adding an extra nomination for hottest couple for Anne Wareham and JAS – their bickering on Twitter carries as much sexual tension as Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn every exhibited.

  • I can’t remember if I voted for Funniest person in gardening or not. So if it isn’t too late I’m going for persons in the form of ’3 Men went to mow’ (in particular part 4 and the bit where Joe misses the door handle!) Every time I see this I laugh. When are we getting Part 5?

  • Rob

    If it’s not too late, I’m nominating Lia Leendertz for most fanciable female. This is mostly due to the fact that I’ve run out of time to get photographic evidence of Martyn in drag.

  • Too Slow, Mr James A-S, too slow. Your hat has enough nominations that you can’t begrudge me the 100th post.

    Now to get a few more votes in before the polls close…

    Hottest couple: ‘Poo’ and ‘Wee’. In the compost bin.
    Best dressed gardener: Lia again. Apparently her hat for GMG beats James A-Sinclair’s hat hands down.
    Top of the mop award (best haircut) – Martyn says it’s his new do. But I might say Garden monkey because it might be true. Who knows?
    Party mentalist of the year – Michelle Wheeler often seems to have a bottle of wine open.
    Mouth almighty of the year – Ryan narrowly beats Anne Wareham, I think, for his Christmas tree promo work.

    • Thank-you Frugilegus for some great voting – your nominations were received just before the stroke of midnight, therefore just beating the deadline. Your nomination for Lia has helped her clinch a special award, so you see, your votes really do count.

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